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The Turcockamel Recipe


(A turkey inside of a cockatiel inside of a camel)


     3 pounds whole camel, boned

     Salt and pepper to taste

     Taco seasoning to taste

     1 (1 pound) cockatiel, boned

     8 pounds turkey, boned

     3 cups butterscotch pudding and oyster dressing


Preheat oven to 375 degrees (Fahrenheit). Lay the boned camel hump-side up on a platter and season liberally with salt, pepper and taco seasoning. Lay the boned cockatiel mohawk-side down on top of the camel and season conservatively with salt, pepper and taco seasoning. The liberal and conservative seasoning patterns will bicker and argue (the conservative seasoning supports Trump), so quickly cover and chill.

Lay the boned turkey skin-side down on a flat surface. Cover with a layer of cold butterscotch pudding and oyster dressing, and push the dressing into the leg and wing cavities so they will look as if they still have bones in them. To complete the effect, go ahead and thrust a chicken bone in there (fun game: first to bite into the bone wins a prize!).

Grease the sides of the turkey and carefully shove it into the lower orifice of the cockatiel. This, understandably, must be done with utmost caution. It's also helpful if the cockatiel is dead. Then, stuff the turkey-infused cockatiel into the hump of the camel. Dump a fair amount of Aunt Jemima* maple syrup and a bubbly layer of warm root beer in there to marinate. (*Since Aunt Jemima has been run out of stores by guilty white people who don’t see the irony in what they have done here, I will allow Mrs. Butterworth to be used as a substitute. I assure you that race has nothing to do with any of this.)

With the help of an assistant (preferably a friend who can keep a secret), bring the edges of the camel hump together, and fasten them together with toothpicks. Use a rubber band to bind the toothpicks to help hold the stuffed camel together. If this proves ineffective, use staples and wood glue. Then, carefully place the Turcockamel, hump up, in a large roasting pan.

Roast covered for 4 hours or until the Turcockamel is golden brown. Continue to roast uncovered for 1 hour or until a meat thermometer inserted through the hump registers 180 degrees F., and a thermometer inserted through the rump registers 165 degrees F. The rump and the hump are really the best parts of any well-made Turcockamel. Watch your time, as you don't want to overcook that cockatiel.

Check the monstrosity every few hours to baste and remove excess juice. There should be enough pan juices for a gallon of good ol' Turcockamel Gravy (great on potatoes or eggs). Carve and serve!

Disclaimer: NewsRadio 1110 KFAB and iHeartMedia (including its subsidiaries, employees, and advertisers) are NOT responsible for any gastrointestinal maladies or injuries that may occur as a result of preparing or eating Turcockamel (including its subsidiaries). You prepare, eat, and locate ingredients for the Turcockamel at your own risk … you psycho.

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