Yes, this post includes spoilers.
[And, yes, this whole post looks very different, format-wise, than what I typed out in Word. And I've messed with it now a few different ways, and it's not getting any better. And I don't want to retype it in this window. So ... deal with it.]
I SAID, THIS POST INCLUDES SPOILERS!!!!!!
If you haven’t seen Endgame, and want to, do not read any further.
If you haven’t seen Endgame, and don’t give two craps about it, you … I don’t know what to do with you. What does entertain you, if not heroic characters, a few laughs, cool explosions, and Robert Frickin’ Downey Frickin’ Jr.?
Now, here … are … my … thoughts …
…keep scrolling…
…I’m doing this so no one accidentally sees spoilers if they just pull up this page…
…almost there…
Ok, here are my scattered thoughts on Endgame:
Way to go, Tony Stark. You Ironmanned that glove right off Thanos’ hand, even though that same exercise was apparently impossible with multiple Avengers doing it at the end of Infinity War. And, do the stones only work when you snap your fingers? You can’t just think of it and then it happens by saying “Go,” or something?
Anyway, he erases the bad guys and all the “missing” are now back … five years later. Five years! Do you have any idea how much trouble this caused people?
“Hey, Rita! I’m home!”
“Laszlo, I thought you were dead!”
“Why is Mel from accounting wearing my pants and sitting in my recliner?!?”
“I re-married last year! I moved on! And just where the hell have you been, anyway?”
Can’t you imagine that scenario playing out over and over all across the globe?
And what about those who disappeared when they were kids. Like Bad-Hair Hawkeye’s kids? They come back and they’re the same age. But dad is five years older. Five years closer to retirement, and hasn’t been putting any college savings away because the kids were gone. That’s a financial problem, right? Maybe I’ve been spending too much time talking to Darrell Bryant.
Ok, what about this: The kids come back the same age, but all the friends who survived the dusty snap are all five years older.
“Hey, Gordie, let’s play Fortnite!”
“Fortnite is for babies. I’m 17 now. I’m driving, vaping, and getting to second base with chicks.”
“Ok, we’ll play baseball, then.”
Wait, wouldn’t that have happened to Spiderteen? Did his buddy disappear, too? Because they both were back in high school. If it had been five years, and his buddy survived, he would have been graduated and moved on – not in the halls of the school. Unless he got held back a year due to grades or a bad case of mono or something.
But I really liked the movie. Sad about Iron Man, but loved the scene with Tony and his dad back in the ‘70s. That was my favorite part of the film. And Tony calling Rocket “Build-a-Bear.”
I also loved the “Here’s what happened after we took Loki into custody in Avengers.” I enjoy those extra moments you never seen in movie scenes, where a big event just goes down and we never see what happens right afterwards. Fargo was great at extending those scenes to include the small talk right after the big punchline moment that normally would have ended a scene.
It was also sweet about Capt. America going back to have his life with Agent Carter … even though that seems to me that there never would have been a Capt. America all those years later to be a part of the rest of the films, but I guess I remember some nonsense about this level of time-travel not working out like Back to the Future. I don’t know why I need for all of this to make sense.
(Because it doesn’t make any sense that Cap goes back to the beginning, ages, and is now an old man. But Bucky, who was never frozen in ice but underwent the same treatment as Steve Rogers and has been alive this whole time, is not a day older. Or did I just blow your freakin’ mind?)
Here are a few links on things others have decided they needed to point out:
CLICK HERE to see some crybabies complain about the level of significance of women in Endgame.
CLICK HERE to hear some bed-wetters complain that Thor was fat-shamed in Endgame.(At least they didn’t make him do the Truffle Shuffle.)
CLICK HERE to get the answer to the question, “Who was that random kid at Tony Stark’s funeral?”
And, CLICK HERE for someone trying to attach some significance to the faint sound of a hammer at the end of the credits instead of a bonus scene.
That’s all, folks – see you at The Rise of Skywalker!