The Ten Worst Movies of 2019

10 – LADY AND THE TRAMP

The launch of Disney Plus earlier this year gave a new streaming home to all your favorite classic animated movies alongside every Marvel, Star Wars, and Pixar movie ever.But it also allowed Disney to dump a few stinkers in the quiet of the night.Disney has been slowly re-releasing all their animated classics in live action form, Lady and the Tramp being the fourth such remake released in 2019, and this version bored me to new heights.Turns out, I don’t remember much from the original version aside from two scenes.The Siamese cat scene and the spaghetti dinner scene.The spaghetti scene is here, and is about the only thing done well.But the Siamese cat scene dumps the classic song in the interest of appeasing the PC Police. But that doesn’t really matter in the end as Lady and the Tramp has you checking out long before the credits roll.The classic version is on Disney Plus if you feel the need to revisit this classic love affair.

Streaming on Disney Plus.

9 – THREE FROM HELL

Rob Zombie revisiting his characters from House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects should have been a slam dunk hit for me.Those are the rocker turned horror director’s two best films.A third installment had been long rumored and much anticipated.Unfortunately, Zombie didn’t have any reason to bring these characters back to life.There isn’t much a story of a story aside from breaking out of prison.But a couple good scenes does not a movie make.In fact, one of the movie’s stars was too ill to reprise his role in the movie and sadly died shortly after Three From Hell’s release.This movie just never had a reason to be made.No story.No creativity. I’d call a simple cash grab, but it didn’t even get a wide theatrical release.One of my favorite horror directors might have run out of ideas.

Available to rent.

8 – REPLICAS

Keanu Reeves had a stellar year.One of his best.He was in John Wich Chapter 3, Toy Story 4, and the Netflix rom-com Always Be My Maybe.Huge hits.Keanu’s maybe never been hotter than he is right now.But that doesn’t mean he’s perfect.Starring in this sci-fi story about a tech guru who brings his family back to life using AI after they perish in a car crash gives us the stereotypical “dangers of tech” warnings.It hits all the familiar notes, like the evil corporation that wants to militarize the wholesome idea.The one thing this movie has going for it is that it’s so bad it’s good.This is dreck.But I had a great time watching it.Bad dialogue.You know what’s going to happen through every bad decision made along the way.It may not be good, but it’s a lot of fun.

Available to rent.

7 – X-MEN: DARK PHOENIX

2019 was the last year that the X-Men were owned by Fox before coming over to Disney, so why not release one more movie?And if you’re going to do an X-Men movie, you might as well as do one of the most famous stories they have.The Dark Phoenix Saga.The X-Man known as Jean Grey (played by Sophie Turner, coming off the finale of Game of Thrones) turns into the evil Phoenix and the X-Men must stop her.Unfortunately, when everyone knows this is the end, why bother putting forth your best effort?No actor looks like they are trying very hard at all in this movie.I shouldn’t be able to tell that.Everyone looks bored and you will be too.This dud was the highlight of a summer of duds that saw a number of high profile action sequels or reboots flop big time at the box office.

Available to rent.

6 – THE FANATIC

Ok, there’s a lot to unpack here in a short amount of time so try to keep up.The lead singer of Limp Bizkit, Fred Durst, directs this thriller starring John Travolta as a fan with a mental handicap that stalks and ultimately kidnaps his action movie hero played by 90s teen heartthrob Devon Sawa.This is a movie that is definitely so bad it’s good.John Travolta gives a tragically committed performance in a role that any career advisor would have told him to turn down.I don’t understand a single choice this movie made.My jaw was on the floor the entire time.But I can’t say I hated it.It’s a terrible car crash.You can’t look away.

Streaming on Amazon Prime.

5 – SERENITY

Another movie that’s so bad it’s good.This steamy thriller noir stars Matthew McCaughney and Anne Hathaway as a divorced couple where the wife hires her first husband to kill her second husband in a deserted island setting.This movie has tropical locales, a lot of sex, but zero chemistry, and a lot of bad acting.With a legendary twist that is so bad, they have to explain it a second time to make sure you get it.I laughed a lot during this movie.But it isn’t a comedy.

Streaming on Amazon Prime.

4 – THE LIGHTHOUSE

A movie that is making the occasional TOP ten list finds its way into my bottom ten list.Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe star as two men who slowly descend into madness while taking care of a lighthouse.This is one of those movies where nothing really happens until the end.I knew it would be that way going in, so I was prepared.But I was still bored to death by the goings on here.Both actors give committed performances here, I like the style of movie.Black and white, there’s a smaller aspect ratio to make you feel more claustrophobic.It just didn’t work for me.Worked for a lot of others.Not me.

Available to rent Tuesday.

3 – THE BANANA SPLITS MOVIE

One of the cooler parts of 2019 was that studios started sending me stuff.New movies sent to my inbox or mailbox.It can be a gift and a curse though.When I received The Banana Splits Movie in the mail, I was a little intrigued even though I didn’t care for the show growing up.The idea with this movie was that the world had outgrown The Banana Splits and the characters sought bloody revenge.Yes, this was a horror movie that sees The Banana Splits murder children.A great idea that is terribly executed.Pun, only kind of intended.After laying out its plot, it’s pretty much a paint by numbers slasher movie.Which I normally dig, but I wasn’t sure who this movie is for.Clearly not for kids.Fans of the original series probably won’t appreciate their childhood heroes committing murder.It’s a big swing.I like that.It just didn’t follow through.

Available to rent on Amazon.

2 – THE WIND

The arthouse horror subgenre is something I’ve really grown fond of over the past few years, so I was intrigued by this story of a farmhouse wife enduring the horrors of the barren plains in the 1800s.Unfortunately, nothing really ever happened in this movie.Which can be a death sentence for a movie like this.There’s some biblical allegory going on, they think they’re very clever here.But it’s just boring.I’m getting sleepy just thinking about this one.

Available to rent.

And now, the single worst movie of 2019…

1 – THE HUSTLE

Anne Hathaway makes her second appearance on this countdown in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.A movie that wasn’t good enough to deserve a remake in the first place.She stars alongside Rebel Wilson playing con women who hustle men out of money, cars, and anything else they desire.It’s unfunny.There’s nothing memorable.In a year full of reboots and remakes that didn’t need to be, The Hustle takes the cake as the worst movie of 2019.

Available to rent.

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